When we lived in Edson, it was my tomboy phase and I had more boys as friends. Sometimes on a summer night, we would play till almost dark. I had this skateboard that my parents bought me for getting on the honour roll list in grade four. So, we would be out in front of the house trying to do fancy stops and turns on the skateboard. Or riding bikes and kicking the soccer ball around. And at the end of the day I would bring my browned and grungy self in reluctantly to have a bath.
I was quite a fearful child, fearful of someone breaking in and robbing the house, or of evil witches from my imagination coming to life. I also had a strong hatred for baths, and the thought of soap getting in my eyes was a real distress. But I didn't fear growing up, or what would happen later in life. I always had great dreams for my life, and assumed that I could be or do whatever I wanted. But honestly, like most children, I'm sure, I didn't give adulthood too much thought.
Now I realize I am craving for that familiar feeling of being held, held by a long summer day spent outside. The feeling of being wild, running around in bare feet with dirty fingernails, innocent and energized, that's what it means to be childlike. Even being afraid of unlikely or imagined events gives the sensation of being small. Small and held.
So I look around myself, and I wonder how to satisfy that craving. I know that, ultimately, people can't do that. Spirituality is a whole other topic for me right now, too. And, when I question the deepest of deep in me, I know that I get that wild, small feeling when I'm doing my work, as in writing, singing, using my hands. So for today, that's my choice. I choose to engage in my tasks, and to even embrace the fear that comes with that, just to let myself feel small again.
jesus, this was a gorgeous post. i was totally captivated by your words, by the imagery you wrote of, and by the notions of childlike things and feelings and longings.
ReplyDeletethanks for reading and for the compliments!!!
ReplyDelete:) It's great to notice things that resonate deeply in us and what brings that out, like for you, writing, singing, etc. I find it hard to make time for it, but when I realize just how much life it can bring to me, I don't feel guilty allowing myself to "waste" time with it. :)
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I haven't thought about enough is that having child, for me, brought a lot of that "being wild" back to me. It's still a choice to engage and be free in it. So, thanks for the reminder to let my son lead the way.
It must be really cool to have your son in your life to bring that element for you. I always think there is so much to learn from children.
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