Of course, I don't feel at home in Paris in the ancestral kind of way at all, because I'm not French. But being among such beautiful buildings, where people travel to appreciate the many great works of art that the city houses, there is a feeling that who I am is valued here. As long as I keep my mouth shut, I can blend in.
Back at home, tho, I am a part of the open prairies and the gravel roads. I am a part of the ugly, dumb rolling box store parking lots, and I am a person who appreciates being able to pop into the gas station in my sweats and a hoodie, late at night. I am a part of small town history, where you drive two hours to the city on a weekend to shop at the big malls. I have lived in neighbourhoods where you just don't wear pretty dresses to walk the dog. I am a part of the culture that travels to Paris assuming her high school French classes will suffice.
As I pull my tired feet along the streets, passing the patisseries, cheese shops, and every beautiful old building, I know what it means to not let your love slide. It's a kind of digging your heels into the parts of life that make up who you are, and at the same time being willing to expand, to open up to possibilities that you have not thought of before. It's knowing that Paris may not be your home, but you can find a piece of yourself in the beauty of it.
man, this piece was so wonderful. have you thought of creating a collection of short stories for publication one day? or submitting to The Walrus or other like-minded magazines? anyway, i liked the "home" theme and i think you explored it beautifully.
ReplyDeleteThis is lovely. I love:"It's a kind of digging your heels into the parts of life that make up who you are, and at the same time being willing to expand, to open up to possibilities that you have not thought of before." Lovely, and hard. I find that when I am willing to expand I dig my heels in less, realizing that I even need to let go of what I think I'm made up of. Have you been to Paris? Is this from a real-life experience?
ReplyDeleteCamille, I really feel flattered by your comment! Maybe one day I will try something like that!
ReplyDeleteSarah, Thanks! Yes, I went to Paris a few years ago, and felt a lot of those feelings above, although it's a fictionalized version. Right now I am learning that there are parts of my own story that I cant erase, like where I was raised, and that this will always be a part of who I am. And it's knowing that, while my home may not totally define me, it also informs who I am in many ways.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, you know I'm remembering that movie Julie and Julia, have you seen it? It's a bit cheesy, but I remember the character Julia, while living in Paris, says she feels as if she is French. And it's kind of hilarious because she's so obviously American, but it's like she never tries to tame her personality, yet she also finds so much joy and new experiences living in France.